3 Thoughts on Death

So a couple months ago, my beautiful dog, prudence, she started getting picky, a little pickier about her food. She’s always been a very picky eater. She’s very, very reserved, very cautious, and she’s never been super food motivated. And it wasn’t uncommon for her to. She’s always been a slow eater. And when she does eat, she doesn’t necessarily eat all of her food. But back in February, it started happening more frequently. And this correlated with Jamie, my partner moving out to Colorado to help open a gym.

And so she was homeless. And Prudence really, really connects with Jamie. It’s Jamie’s dog that she’s had since she was a puppy. And so, like, that’s her mom. And so prudence is very, very susceptible to anxiety and stress, right? So I chalked it up that the reason she was eating less was simply because she was stressed out by the fact that her mom was gone more often. Didn’t really think anything of it. And this continued on for a month, then two months, and then I was gone for a week. And I came back from my trip, and a friend had been watching Prue.

And I saw Prue for the very first time after, like, a week apart. And I looked at her and I go, oh, wow, she’s lost a lot of weight. And I hadn’t noticed it. I hadn’t noticed it in the months up to that point. You know, when you see somebody every single day, these changes that are happening right in front of you are very hard to notice. And I think this is a corollary with the idea of personal growth. Right? Like, a lot of the growth that you’re experiencing on your path to greatness is like. It’s an internal change that is invisible to most of the world until it becomes, you know, something that can’t not be seen.
It’s the same here with Prue. It was that time, like, away from where I saw her again. I was like, oh, she’s lost a lot of weight, actually. And I started to observe, oh, she’s been eating, missing a lot of meals now. And it’s not just a little bit here and there. It’s actually she’s just outright refusing to eat. And we took her to the vet, and she had lost 16 pounds in two months. She was like, a 60 pound dog, and now she’s down to, like, 40 ish.
And so we’ve been doing all sorts of stuff, trying to stimulate her appetite, trying to figure out why it is that she stopped eating. See, if it’s depression, doggy depression. See if it’s some kind of behavioral thing. See if maybe there’s something going on inside of her. And they’re doing blood tests and whatnot. And last week we put her on this appetite stimulating food and this enzyme to help try and entice her appetite because she just wasn’t eating and she’s starting to look very, very bad. And she’s eating again. It’s very hard to get food into her and she seems very uncomfortable by it.
And more and more, we’re coming to, I think, the realization we need to take her into the vet here in the next day or two to do an ultrasound and see what’s going on inside of her. But more and more, you know, my original theory was that it was behavioral and that she was just sad that Jamie was gone more often and that, you know, we just, we just need to get food into her and everything will be fine. But it does seem as though something about the food and eating is, is bothering her. And at her age, she’s a twelve year old. She’s an old woman. There’s probably not much if there is something going on inside of her that we can really do. And so we’re, we’re wrestling with that right now that probably not going to have our dog for very much longer. And so over the last week, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking a lot about death.
And I read a lot of stoic philosophy. I read meditations every morning from Marcus Aurelius, and he talks a lot about death. Recently I’ve been reading the book Wind Breath becomes, which just happened to coincide with this whole incident. That’s a beautiful book about a. I think he’s like a 35, 36 year old neurosurgeon who gets diagnosed with lung cancer. And he writes this book right before he dies as he goes through this experience. And so I’ve just been thinking about it more obviously as this is kind of looming and you lose a loved one or you’re on the cusp of losing one. And it’s all these questions of, like, unknown and unfair and like, what’s.
What’s life and what’s meaning? And I wanted to share three ideas that have been kind of percolating in my brain since, since all this has started kind of happening in this last week or so, because it’s been a, it’s been a very steep decline, it seems like, in the last week with her. So maybe the end is coming quick. So the very first idea that I want to share is that there will come a day in your life where you would gladly trade every single dollar you’ve ever earned. Just have one more day with a loved one. I’m not saying you would trade your entire life savings for one more day with your dog, but, you know, your wife, your husband, your kids, your dad, there will come a day, there is a person, most likely in your life, who you would trade everything just to have a little bit more time with. And hopefully, that day isn’t today. But there’s no reason why you couldn’t imagine that today is that day, because it could be in a very real way. It could be.
We all know that. We don’t stop to really internalize it often, but it could be. What would you do if you. If you learned that you only had that one day left, if you knew for a fact that you only had one day with this loved one? What would you do right now as a result of that information? And often, we just put off till tomorrow those thoughts, and we think, oh, we’ll put off till the weekend, we’ll do this, the other thing. But there’s no reason that you can’t do those things now. And, you know, taking proof for more walks and hanging out in the park and just. Just hanging out with her, because who knows how much longer I have with her when I make the most of it. But death is an interesting thing because it gives us an opportunity to confront, front the frailty, the finite nature of life, and it gives you a way of appreciating that a little bit more.
Whereas if she wasn’t in this state, would I have taken her for those walks? Would I have taken her to the park and would have carved out time in my calendar just to go and be with her? No, I probably wouldn’t have. I would have taken it for granted that I have more time with her. And now that I maybe don’t have that much more time with her, I’m like, well, I want to use every single second that I have. And it’s just so sad that death has to be the catalyst for changes like that. And hopefully, you’re not experiencing anything like that in your life, but maybe the lesson that you can take away is that, you know, make. Make these moments count. The second idea that I want to share with you is from Marcus Aurelius or. No, actually, at Seneca, he said, let us prepare our minds as if wed come to the very end of life.
Let us postpone nothing. Let us balance lifes books each day. The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time. I love this idea of balancing the books every day and asking yourself, not just at the end of the day, but in every interaction you have with a loved one, to really try to be cognizant of the fact that it could very well be the last time you were ever see them, last time you ever talked to them. There’s this story I heard recently of this woman. Her and her brother were sent to Auschwitz, and they were on the train together, and her brother had lost his shoes. And they’re on the train, and she starts yelling at him, like, what did you do with your shoes? Where did they go? How could you be so irresponsible? And then they offloaded them off, boarded them off the train and separated them. And she never saw her brother again.
And she survived Auschwitz, but her brother didn’t. And the last thing she ever said to him was like, where are your shoes? And so she was telling the story as though, you know, from the future perspective of, like, from that day forward, I resolved I was. I was never going to say anything to anybody, that I wasn’t comfortable with it being the last thing I ever said to them. And I think it’s a really interesting framework, an interesting way of thinking about how you engage with your loved ones. If it was the last thing you ever said to them, would you say it to them? If not, don’t say it, and make sure that you end every interaction with a loved one with the knowledge that it could be the last one. I think there’s a lot of value in that as well. All right, third idea. This one is, again, from that book, when breath becomes air, by Paul Calinthe, the neuroscientist or neurosurgeon who passed away of lung cancer.
It’s a very beautiful book, very sad. He said, I am dying, but for now, I am living. And it’s so easy in these moments with, say, prue, and knowing ends kind of in sight. Let’s say. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t want to believe that. But it might be.
It’s easy to fixate on that thing that’s coming at you and be spending all your time worried about what’s it going to be like after. What’s it going to be like when I wake up and you’re not there in the morning and I don’t see her, and I can’t take her for walks or can’t pet her? It’s really easy to get lost in the sadness that comes with that. The important thing, I think, is to remember she’s not dead yet. Not quite dead yet. We’re all dying, but for now, we are living. And so you cannot live your life fearing the specter of death and just fixating on what comes after. You have to acknowledge it and be prepared to greet it when it shows up. But in the meantime, don’t let it dominate your life and dictate the terms.

You are dying, but for now, you are living. So I want to share these with you because it’s something I’m struggling with right now, and maybe you are as well. Maybe it’s something that you will struggle with in the future. And it’s hard. So it’s hard losing a loved one. But hope this brings you a little bit of value. We’ll catch you in the next episode. I appreciate you.

And until then, stay hyper focused and go give somebody you love a hug. Bye.