So Your Child Has ADHD…Now What
The Amplified Impact Podcast
September 3rd, 2023
ADHD and parenting: a complex challenge.
I’ve received countless questions from parents grappling with their child’s ADHD diagnosis. As someone who’s been there, I can relate.
The struggles were real for me too, from childhood through adulthood.
In this episode, I delve into a core concept that can revolutionize your approach to parenting an ADHD child.
While I’m no parenting expert, I want to share this incredible idea that shaped my perspective.
Instead of forcing our kids into a game they can’t win, let’s explore the game they’re uniquely designed to excel in.
As parents, we often ask ourselves how to best support our child’s growth.
Remember, it’s about understanding their curiosity, nurturing their creativity, and guiding them towards arenas where their ADHD traits become superpowers.
TWEETABLE QUOTE:
“It’s about not trying to fit your student or your child into a game that they’re never going to be able to win.”- Anthony Vicino
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Episode Transcript:
Anthony Vicino:
I get a lot of questions from parents about ADHD, specifically parents reaching out, saying, hey, my child was just diagnosed with ADHD. It makes so much sense to me. We’re trying to work with them. I want to understand them, and they hear my story and the struggles that I had when I was a kid. And it was it was a rough I had a rough go all through my childhood, but also into my teenage years, into my 20s, really struggling with ADHD. And I think a lot of that maybe stemmed from my parents not understanding the disorder and ways that they maybe could have worked with me to, I don’t know, help me get out of my own way and support me a little bit better. But that’s not their fault. I mean, when I was growing up with this, ADHD was very new on the street.
Anthony Vicino:
There wasn’t a lot known about it at the time, so I don’t fault them at all for that. But there’s a lot of well meaning parents reaching out, asking, what should I know? What should I do? And I want to share some thoughts on this, but I also want to be really conscious and respectful of the fact that I don’t have kids. And so take my advice, parenting advice, with a whole salt shaker of salt, because, I don’t know, I can share some things that would have helped me in this episode. I really just want to share one core concept, one core idea that I think if you could really keep this at the forefront of your mind at all times, I think it would help a lot. But again, I don’t want to get into the tactics and the day to day of do this and that. Everybody’s a little bit different. Your child’s going to be different. How ADHD manifests in people is all very different as well.
Anthony Vicino:
There’s, I think, four or five different subtypes of it, depending on what variant or what unique variables your child is facing. My advice might not be helpful. And so I don’t want to get into the tactic side of what really worked for me. But the one idea I want to share, I think and this will help I’m pretty sure this will help, is that the big struggle I had growing up was that I was forced to play a game that I was never going to be able to win. And what I mean by that is, as a person with ADHD, you’re highly distractable. You have bad short term memory, you’re impulsive. If you’re like me, you’re hyperactive, so you can’t sit still, you have an overflow of energy, you’re easily bored. And when you’re interested in something, you go into a state of hyper focus.
Anthony Vicino:
And you can imagine how all of those things do not lend themselves to the environment that has been created, say, in the school system or in the modern workforce where the big struggle is. Hey, we got a class full of kids here and I need you to sit still, face forward, pay attention. Don’t daydream. Raise your hand. Don’t get up and move around. Don’t be a distraction, right? And that just doesn’t work for somebody with ADHD. That can be a very, very hard environment. And when you’re trying so hard to fit that square peg in the round hole, you’re just creating frustration, I think, with the other kids, with the teachers, and with the child, because the child just feels like a fucking failure the whole time because they don’t get it.
Anthony Vicino:
You’re just like, I don’t understand. I’m trying my best to sit still, face forward, be cool. I’m not trying to be a distraction or a problem child. It’s just this environment is not an environment that I’m suited for. And growing up, this was a real struggle for me because I did not realize that in life that there was going to be other arenas, other games that I could play. And so I spent a long time feeling like, well, this is the game that everybody plays. This is what they tell you you have to do. And so I either need to try harder, I need to figure it out, or I need to give up and just accept the fact that I’m going to be a failure.
Anthony Vicino:
And that created all sorts of distance to the point that when I got out of college, I had barely squeaked through and finished that game. And I was like, well, I’m not going to play this anymore. And I rebelled. I went off and became Peter Pan and just became a professional rock climber so that I could get away from society’s expectations, responsibilities, and just go be free and do my thing. And it was in that pursuit that I started to discover there was other games you can play in life. And that was what was forced upon me in school, was just one of those ways. And so what I want to encourage you with your child right now is to think through what kind of game are you asking them to play? And is this a game that they have a chance of winning? And if it’s not, ask yourself, why should I force them to play this? Because the things that make you a problem child, say, in the classroom, you’re impulsive well, later on in life, that impulsivity. That willingness to explore, to try new ideas, to be creative, to not become a slave to one way of doing things.
Anthony Vicino:
That’s a very highly valued skill, right? The hyperactivity, the ability to pour a massive amount of energy towards a thing that you’re interested in that can be a superpower later on, right? The fact that you get bored easily means often because you’re not being stimulated enough. And so you’re going to go seek those things that do stimulate you. And that can either be bad in the form of drugs and all sorts of dopamine, easy dopamine, or it can be very productive. And you go create things, you write books, you paint pictures, you do stuff. And so I encourage you to look at the other side of the coin. Those things that society is saying you’re not good at, these are your limitations. And ask yourself what’s the inverse of that look like? What does it look like if instead of treating this as your disability, we look at it as your ability, as the thing that is going to supercharge you? If we can just figure out how to get you on the right court. And the way that I like to think about this is I physically would never have been able to play in the NBA.
Anthony Vicino:
I’m five nine, I can’t jump, I’m physical, but I just don’t have the attributes to be at that level on a basketball court. However, I’m very well suited for something like tennis or ping pong. I could have maybe been really good at those things. And so it’s about not trying to fit your student or your child into a game that they’re never going to be able to win. And my life really changed for the better when I realized, one, that I could play games of my choosing, and then two, when I started only playing games that I knew I could win. And once I did that, I became very hard to compete with in those domains. Now there are other aspects of life that you still need to have some base competency in, like self management, time management, schedule, all these things. And the best advice I can give there is routine and structure and discipline are the answer.
Anthony Vicino:
Discipline equals freedom. And that’s a very hard lesson to get through to a young person with ADHD and just be patient and understanding with that. And the last piece of advice I would give is to recognize that your child is prone to becoming obsessed with things and then quickly discarding things. And that’s okay. Don’t feel like it was a waste of time and energy resources. If they go hard on the piano for a year and then they never touch the piano again and then they go hard at volleyball for a year, that’s okay. In my experience, ADH people are remarkable at diving deep, becoming obsessed, getting really good at a thing and then just leaving it behind, moving on to the next. They don’t get tied down by identity and things, because they’re dopamine seeking missiles.
Anthony Vicino:
And there can be this tendency to say, oh, you need to stick with this because in 10, 20, 30 years, look how great you’ll be. And I do believe that there’s benefit to teaching consistency, persistence and those traits. However, just try to be understanding. And when it’s a time that they need to push through and when it’s not going to happen and it’s time to move and pivot and find that next thing. And I think the more that you can encourage that pivoting and exploration, the more open they’re going to be later on in life. And I think that is a very powerful place to be. A synergistic crossroads of curiosity and creativity that if they can master those two things, they’re never going to struggle, at least to make money in life, but they’re never going to struggle if they have those two skills, if they can find a way to meaningfully apply it. And that’s a different question for a different day.
Anthony Vicino:
But those are just some thoughts that I think of when parents ask, what should I do? How can I help my child? I would say don’tie them down to an identity, let them explore their curiosity and help them find the games that they’re uniquely suited to win. And there’s no reason that your student, I keep saying student, there’s no reason that your child couldn’t be an excellent student in the right environment. And it’s your job, I think, to help them find what that is. And if you can, then you’re going to be blown away by what they’re capable of. Truly, truly. They’re just operating on a different level. So just a matter of getting them into the right arena. So hope this brings you guys some value.
Anthony Vicino:
I don’t know if it did or not, let me know in the comments. Shoot me a review. Again, I don’t want to overstep. I’m not a parent, so I hope you take this with a grain of salt. But hopefully this is just my perspective and it brought you a little bit of value. So thank you guys and gals for being here. I’ll catch you tomorrow. Until then, stay happy.
Anthony Vicino:
Focus my friends.
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