“What you do speaks so loud, I cannot hear what you’re saying.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
They say, “I’m fine”, but it doesn’t take a Sherlock to see their words and body language are fundamentally at odds.
Arms are now folded, whereas only a moment before they were open and expressive.
Tone has changed from light and free to hard and clipped.
And those muscles around their lips… well, don’t even get me started on those. It’s not quite a frown, but it’s certainly no smile.
You’re getting two conflicting messages. So which one is true?
You don’t need to read the rest of this article to know the answer.
Words are a great vehicle for lies. Body language, on the other hand, almost always betrays the truth.
Vasts amounts of information is conveyed via body language, so much so that our brains are hardwired to decipher this unique form of communication subconsciously.
We would be cognitively crippled by the task of consciously processing every twitch, tick, and vocal inflection in real-time.
That, however, doesn’t mean we can’t teach ourselves to interpret and utilize body language. It’s like any other skill.
It’s not easy, but it can be done.
It merely requires intentionality, consistency, and focus.
But first, a disclaimer:
Human gestures are polysemic, meaning they differ culturally as well as contextually. No single motion ever stands alone. It is always part of a larger pattern.
Context matters where body language is concerned. What might be interpreted in one culture as lacking confidence, might be considered polite in another.
Interpret these cues in context of your unique situation.
Alright, with that out of the way, let’s dive in.
Master the Art of Eye Contact
We’ve gotta start at the head. The face is by far and away the most expressive tool available in our non-verbal toolbox.
The eyes hold great significance for most cultures. They are often viewed as “windows to the soul.”
In Anglo-Saxon cultures, much emphasis is put on an individual’s confidence and trustworthiness by extension of their eyes.
Now, studies have regularly debunked the pernicious myth that you can tell whether a person is lying by way of their eye contact or lack thereof.
A person looking up and to the left isn’t accessing the memory portion of their brain any more than looking down and right is accessing the telekinetic portion.
Eyes are not some magic-gatekeeper to the soul. They just happen to be the point on another human’s face we focus on.
That’s not to say eyes aren’t vital parts of non-verbal communication, it’s just that we must tread carefully so as not to read too deeply and jump to unfounded conclusions.
So if we can’t use the eyes to tell whether a person is lying, what good are they?
Eye contact’s primary value is in conveying attention and interest.
Do you want people to see you as engaged and caring? Well, it all starts with eye contact.
Problem is, many people use eye contact incorrectly. They simply stare-down the other person in a strange contest of wills that eventually leaves everybody uncomfortable.
To that end, it’s important you allow your eye contact to wander every now and again. Perhaps let your eyes drift to the ceiling, or the other person’s shoulders/hands.
If you stare down your conversational partner, they will feel like prey.
As a general rule, people don’t like being made to feel like prey.
Hard Gaze vs Soft Gaze
You can make eye contact with another person in one of two ways: with a hard gaze or a soft gaze.
A soft gaze is a diffuse sort of staring. Your stare is somewhat out of focus and the muscles around your eyes are relaxed.
This is the sort of gaze you use when trying to catch something out of your peripheral.
Most of your conversational time will be spent soft gazing.
Hard gaze by contrast is when the muscles around your eyes contract, and you squint as though trying to focus on a particular detail.
To actively engage your hard gaze, focus on the other person’s iris as though trying to consciously learn their eye color.
Warning: Staring at somebody like this for prolonged periods of time makes them incredibly uncomfortable. Don’t be that guy.
However, if you occasionally throw the hard gaze into conversations at points where the other person has said something of particular interest, you can convey a new depth of attention.
The attention you now convey will be judged by contrast to the one you showed only moments before with the soft gaze. This serves to send the message to the other person, “Oh wow, this gal is actually interested in what I have to say.”
Remember: Dynamic eye contact is important. Don’t linger in any one place, or in any one mode, for too long lest your attention be misinterpreted.
Your Tone Sets expectation
There are three tones of voice: Submissive, Neutral, and Dominant.
Submissive
Also commonly referred to as Rapport Seeking.
With submissive tonality we add an upward inflection at the end of our words/sentences. The effect is that we always sound as though we’re asking a question.
We default to this tonality when we lack confidence, or are dealing with somebody we perceive as being superior to us.
Many people use the submissive tonality when they are talking to their boss.
The problem is that submissive tonality is incredibly grating and, because it lacks confidence, actually undermines our attempt at building rapport.
Neutral
We use this tonality with people we perceive as our equals. Think about how you communicate with close friends and family members. Your words do not drop off at the end of the sentence, they do not inflect upward.
They are consistent and modulated.
This is the default tonality you should utilize in the majority of your interactions.
It sends the message that, “Yes, I belong here. I am confident and of worth and deserving of your time and attention.”
Spend more time in the neutral tonality and you’ll notice incredible differences in the way people actively interact with you.
Dominant
Also known as Rapport Breaking, the dominant tonality is used when interacting with somebody deemed as below us. This might be a boss talking to an employee, or a parent talking to a child, or just a jerk talking to somebody on the street.
This tonality is hallmarked by a slight drop in tone at the end of sentences which sends the message that this is a command and not simply a statement.
Exercise extreme caution with this tone for it can be perceived as dismissive and abrasive.
There are instances where it can be put to great effect, but do so sparingly and with great intention.
Stop Flailing. Use Your Hands With Intention!
Hands add a valuable layer of depth to your communications. Keeping your hands visible, and using them effectively, goes a long ways towards making you appear more trustworthy, confident, and knowledgeable.
A study of the most viewed TED speeches of all time showed that the top-speakers, on average, used four times as many meaningful hand gestures than did their less popular counterparts.
The key word in that last sentence is meaningful.
We all know that person who uses jazz hands when they speak. Don’t be that person.
Here are 3 ways to use your hands with intention:
- Never point with a finger. Use an open hand to gesture in the general direction
- Count out lists on your fingers
- Place a hand over your heart, or in the general region of your chest, when you want to convey a message of great emotional importance to you
This list is kept intentionally short, but I promise another article in the not-so-distant future dealing more in-depth with this topic.
Stand Your Ground
Where you stand in relation to another person is one of the most underutilized tools in the non-verbal lexicon.
Most people only ever note where somebody is standing in relation to them when that person is actively inside our personal bubble.
Whether it’s a date, or some homeless fella on the street, leaning in to whisper something in your ear, you are very likely to take notice.
Though, again, context matters, and how we interpret those two events will be completely different.
Here’s how a couple different ways of positioning your body relative to others can be subconsciously interpreted.
Standing directly across from the other person, less than 3 feet away, with shoulders squared up with theirs, sends a subconsciously combative message.
You have set yourself at odds with this person, which, depending on the context, can be good or bad. If you want to intimidate that person, or be seen as an equal/superior, then this might be the way to go.
Otherwise, if you are hoping to foster a more collaborative spirit, try positioning yourself beside the other person, shoulder-to-shoulder, so that you both face in the same general direction.
By standing in this way you’ve sent the subliminal cue that you share a common goal or interest which can make subsequent conversations (especially those revolving around persuasion/influence) more effective overall.
Remember, Context Matters
You’ve learned 4 ways to start using body language to your advantage, but remember, context matters. Pay close attention to the other person and how they react throughout the course of a conversation. The most important part of reading another person’s body language is in understanding how its changed from an earlier state.
If somebody started the conversation with a rapport seeking tonality but then slowly shifted towards rapport breaking, well that tells you something fairly significant.
If somebody was using their hands expressively early in the conversation, but has since stopped, instead tucking their hands out of sight (perhaps in a pocket or under an armpit), then that can tell you something too.
The key is to consider all these facets of body language with intentionality and consistency. If you do, you’ll notice a marked improvement in your ability to communicate and connect with those around you.
Now get out there and start talking with more than just your mouth!
