Coaching The Negative
There’s a reason the majority of New Years Resolutions fail.
It’s because goal-setting is easy. Following through, on the other hand… well, that’s something else entirely.
For most of us, setting a goal is initially met with a swell of motivation. That’s the brain rewarding you with little dopamine-kisses. Filling you with feel-good chemicals that make you… ya know, feel good.
The funny thing about neurochemistry is that your brain rewards you simply for setting the goal. You don’t actually have to follow through.
This is why the world is full of so many people eager to tell you about all the things their gonna do someday. They’re riding a dopamine-wave, feeling great about this supposed reality they will eventually bring into creation.
The problem is, the effects of dopamine are relatively short-lived. When the high wears off you’re left feeling worse than you did before setting the goal.
You’re in the Pain Triangle.
A lot of people just hop right back on the triangle for another ride around (ie: they set more goals they know they’ll never follow through with). This is a wonderful tactic if you’re not concerned about your long-term self-esteem or life satisfaction.
But wait… you do care about your self-esteem and life satisfaction?
You don’t want an all-access pass to the Pain Triangle?
Well, okay. Since I dig your commitment to actually following through on your goals, I’m going to let you in on the number one thing you have to stop doing if you want to get off the Pain Triangle.
Stop Telling Yourself To Stop
One of the most common mistakes I see coaches making (regardless of whether they coach life, baseball, trumpet, or math) is their tendency to coach the negative.
That is, they’ll phrase things in terms of what you shouldn’t do.
Don’t let your arm drop…
Don’t be afraid…
Don’t forget to…
This sort of language is problematic from a learning standpoint because the student spends all their cognitive energy thinking about what they shouldn’tdo. They fixate on the wrong way to execute the task, rather than the right way.
The alternative is simple:
Only Coach Positives
Keep your arm up…
Be brave!
Remember to…
This subtle shift in verbiage makes all the difference when it comes to executing a new skill.
But what’s this have to do with goal-setting?
Despite what the phrase might lead you to believe, Coaching the negative,doesn’t just apply to coaching. It applies to everything in life.
Especially goals.
By and large, most people do a pretty good job of setting their goals in terms of a positive.
I will lose 20 pounds…
I will quit smoking…
I will save $5,000…
The real problem arises when it comes time to start executing on those goals. The steps we take towards achievement are, unfortunately, quite often coached in terms of the negative.
Don’t eat cake…
Don’t smoke cigarettes…
Don’t spend money…
These sound great. And, if you actually managed to execute these steps you would achieve your goal.
But as we’ve already pointed out, you can’t do a negative. So these steps are fundamentally flawed.
How to Coach the Positive
If you want to get off the Pain Triangle and actually stick with an activity long enough for it to become well ingrained habit, and thus increase your likelihood of achieving your goals, you’ve got to start phrasing your action steps in terms of the positive.
How much more powerful and specific is it when you say:
To lose 20 pounds I will eat carrots instead of cake.
To quit smoking I will chew gum whenever I feel like having a cigarette.
To save $5,000 I will put 10% of every paycheck into savings before I pay any other bills.
Now, not only do you have a goal, you have clearly articulated action steps that will work if properly executed.
This is the mistake so many of us make when setting goals:
We fail to set clear action steps that will guide us to success.
So if you want to get off the Pain Triangle, and actually start achieving your goals (whether big or small), stop Coaching the Negative.
I’d love to hear what goals you’re trying to hit or what habits you’re trying to form. Get down to the comments and let me know what you got bouncing around your thinking noodle. Then tell me exactly how you plan to coach the positive. I can’t wait to hear about your journey!
