Relationships are hard.
The ever quickening world of mobile technology has increased everybody’s connectivity by orders of magnitude, but if we’ve learned anything from social media, it’s that quantity is no substitute for quality.
If slapping the like button is the low barrier to entry where maintaining a healthy relationship is concerned, then why are so many of us feeling every more disconnected, isolated, and alone?
It’s because, where human interactions are involved, depth matters.
The digital arena lends itself towards the development of shallow relationships. (Not always, mind you. There are instances where cyberspace can forge some deep, quality interactions, but on the whole, as a medium, social media has watered down our ability to create and maintain thriving relationships.)
That’s because, by comparison to slapping the like button, relationships are hard. They require work, intentionality, and vulnerability.
But you can’t go it alone. No man is an island, as they say.
So it is today we’re talk about 9 time tested rules to building quality relationships. Whether you want to get ahead at work, foster stronger relationships at home, or just figure out how to make some new friends, these 9 steps are going to help you get it done.
1) Go First
I used to hate parties.
They still aren’t my favorite thing in the world, but they don’t cause me quite so much anxiety anymore. Mostly because I figured out the key to making the whole occasion not so awkward.
See, in the past, I’d hang out in the corner, or draft off the wing of a friend, and just watch, listen, and wait for somebody to engage me in conversation.
Once I was in a conversation, everything was great for a time. Until that conversation inevitably ended and then I was back against the wall waiting for the next person to approach me.
Waiting for others to approach me was completely wrong, but I did it for a number of reasons.
The biggest reason being, I don’t want to come off as the weird guy desperately trying to strike up awkward conversations.
Instead, I settled for being the weird guy in the corner.
Not a great trade off.
The right approach, whether you’re at a party, work, or lunch with a friend, is to go first.
By that I mean it’s okay to show interest in the other person. It doesn’t diminish your cool-points. It doesn’t make you desperate.
If anything, it’s flattering to the other person to know that you’re interested in talking to them, because here’s the god’s honest truth that too few people know:
We’re all that awkward guy or gal just waiting for somebody to talk to us.
So in a lot of ways, by going first, you’re actually doing the other person a huge favor. When viewed through that lens, going out and making first contact doesn’t seem so bad, right?
The principle of going first also applies to established relationships, by the way.
If you’re upset about something, or want to take your conversation with someone to a deeper level, you gotta go first.
Share, open up, be vulnerable.
This is not only the first step, it is one you must continually return to.
2) Show, Don’t Tell
This is straight from Storytelling 101 and it’s a good rule of thumb for life.
It’s one thing to tell your spouse, “I love you”, everyday. It’s another thing entirely to surprise them at work with flowers and a singing telegram (or whatever it is they’ll respond positively to).
Communication is a convoluted topic. There are many ways of conveying a message from Point A to Point B.
For example, you could use words, body language, or actions.
Of these three, we rely most heavily on words, and yet, words by-and-large carry the least amount of weight.
Which carries the most?
That’s right: Actions.
“What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you’re saying.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s not enough to simply talk the talk. If you want to build rock solid relationships, you must learn to walk the walk.
3) Listen For What’s Different, Not Familiar
Relationships require attention.
Our moods and emotional states are in constant flux, which means our relationships are in a state of constant adaption.
We get into trouble when we ignore this truth for extended periods of time.
This is where phrases such as, “You take me for granted”, are born.
To avoid this trap, you must intentionally listen for what’s different, not familiar.
Hone in on the things that are being said that are new, even if small.
These new threads of thought offer the clearest insight into what’s currently occupying the other person’s mind.
4) Be Sure Your Advice Is Wanted
When was the last time a loved one or friend vented about their day at work and you, in your attempt to be helpful, launched into problem solving mode?
You care about this person and don’t want to see them in pain, so you try your darndest to help them work out a solution.
Problem is, that might not be what the other person is looking for.
Might be that they’re just wanting a sounding board. Somebody to listen empathically and share in their frustration.
Sometimes trying to solve the problem is the wrong play.
Sometimes you just need to listen.
Understanding this nuance is a huge part of being a reliable companion. If you launch into problem solving mode everytime they come to vent, when what they really want is somebody to commiserate, then you’ll quickly find they stop coming to you.
Not a good foundation for any type of relationship.
5) Keep Asking
If you are going to give advice, it’s pretty darn important you first understand the entire situation and what steps the other person has, or hasn’t, taken towards solving the issue.
Nobody likes hearing their friend say, “You know what you got to do is…”, when that’s the exact thing you’ve already tried.
It’s frustrating because the other person was obviously more interested in sharing advice and being the hero than they were in hearing you.
Avoid this all too common mistake by asking probing questions. Give the other person the opportunity to talk. In a surprisingly large number of instances, this in and of itself is all the other person really needs to work out the problem.
Often people don’t really need your advice. They need perspective.
If you can be the person who consistently gives them that, then you’d better believe you’ll become an indispensible part of their life.
6) Say What You Mean
Them: “Is everything okay?”
You: “Fine.”
Them: “Great!”
Ever had this conversation? Yeah, of course you have.
Everybody knows fine is never fine. And yet, if you won’t clearly articulate what’s crawled up your butt, you can’t expect the situation to change.
We’re good at playing games. It’s a huge part of why relationships are so hard.
But if you take a step back and review the last time you played this particular game, you’ll realize that there were no winners. You probably left frustrated and upset because the other person didn’t magically intuit your feelings. And the other person is probably equally frustrated, upset, and now confused as to why you’re frustrated and upset.
It’s a lose-lose.
So stop playing this game and say what you mean.
Speak your truth clearly. Set expectations. Follow through.
People value candor, so start delivering it.
7) When You Need Help, Ask
I never saw the Lone Ranger, but I can guess outside of his one sidekick, he didn’t have many friends.
You can play the tough I don’t need help from nobody role, but you’re probably making it harder on yourself to make lasting relationships than you realize.
A unique quirk of psychology is that we look more fondly on people we’ve helped. That’s because we reverse-engineer our rationale for having helped them.
“I’m helping this person, therefore they must be worthy of my help.”
The alternative is to acknowledge you’ve wasted your time. We don’t like to think we’ve wasted our time, so we justify.
It’s the same way in relationships.
Showing vulnerability, and asking for help, are great ways of strengthening a relationship’s scaffolding.
Not only that, but it gives the other person permission to ask for help as well, which has a long-lasting cyclical effect of establishing and reinforcing trust.
8) Compliments, Not Flattery
We’ve all got top of the line BS-meters. You can tell when somebody is blowing smoke up your hoo-hoo.
It’s not fooling anybody, so quit it with the fake flattery.
Instead, stick to legitimate compliments.
Don’t make it over the top.
Make it honest, from the heart, and regular.
Nothing more need be said here.
9) Show Appreciation
People in long-lasting relationships, that may or may not be running the risk of stagnation, take note of this last tip.
Regularly show appreciation for the people in your life you’re most likely to take for granted. Chances are they are the most important relationships you have, and unfortunately, the ones you’re most likely to ignore.
Make a point to let them know how important they are to you. Tell them why that is. Then go one step further and, looping back to point #2, show it.
Write them a note, get them some chocolates, whatever… Step up and show your appreciation.
It’s not easy out there…
So stop trying to go it alone.
Whether you realize it or not, you’ve got a wonderful network of people in your life.
Start strengthening those relationships by intentionally applying the steps above. Break away from the shallow interactions produced by social media, and start diving deeper to make more memorable, and lasting relationships.
For that’s not only the path to success in life, but also happiness.
Now stop reading about what you should be doing, and go do it!
