The Listening Sequence
All too often we get to thinking that good leadership means being the person with all the answers.
We must be decisive, confident, and always leading the charge.
I used to think like this, and it got me and my teams into oodles of trouble.
Good communication begins with good listening.
This concept firmly ingrained itself in my brain long ago ’cause I often found myself diving into problem-solving mode without really understanding what the other person actually needed from me.
Inevitably this leads to frustration on the part of the person whose problem I was trying to solve, and frustration on my part for being ineffective.
Thankfully I’ve figured out how to keep these occasions to a minimum. And I did it by restructuring the way I think about listening.
Or, more specifically, the Listening Sequence.
To improve your effectiveness as an adviser (in any capacity) you must first understand that there are three different types of listening. Your success as a leader depends not only on your ability to master each distinctive type, but also, you must master the sequence in which they appear.
Today we’re diving into the Listening Sequence and how to start using it in your own life to more effectively communicate and lead others.
Reflective
To kick off the listening sequence you must first enter a state of reflective listening.
In this type of listening you consume the other person’s message without any prejudgment or critical thinking.
Absorb their words, themes, and point-of-view without bias.
Entering into any conversation with preconceived judgment is inevitable, but you must work hard and intentionally to divorce yourself from that critical part of the brain. Only then can you really hear what the other person is saying.
While still engaged in this non-critical sort of listening, it’s important that you reflect back to the person precisely what you’re hearing.
“So, if I understand you correctly, you’re saying…”
At this stage, your primary goal is to make certain that you’ve understood the other person with perfect clarity. Keep probing and clarifying until you get to this point.
Supportive
Once you’re absolutely sure you understand the underlying point being conveyed by the other person, it’s time to enter into supportive listening.
Through supportive listening you express empathy.
“I can only imagine how it must feel to be…”
Supportive listening isn’t about telling the other person about how you too have suffered these indignities in the past.
True, misery loves company, but when we’re wallowing and looking for a listening ear, we don’t want to hear about how everybody else has been where we are.
If you’ve ever been through a bad breakup, and somebody tells you: “Hang in there, it’ll get better. Trust me.” you’ll know the frustration associated with people minimizing your pain.
As a general rule: Don’t minimize people.
Just show support and empathy. At this stage, that’s enough.
Possibility
Listening for possibility is the third and last stage of the listening sequence and it is here, finally, we start helping.
In this step, we help the person look forward. We reflect back on what’s been said and start guiding them towards a solution.
This doesn’t mean you just drop the answer at their feet and walk away. That would be both ineffective and rude.
In listening for possibility you reiterate the points they’ve made, acknowledge the difficulties they are facing, and then help frame a solution through the lens of what they’ve said.
That last part is quite important, so I recommend you take a second gander at it.
The key to framing a solution is to do so through the lens of what they’ve said. Also, it doesn’t hurt to let the other person know that’s what you’re doing.
“From what you’ve said, it sounds as though it’s been really difficult doing…What do you suppose it would look like if…”
By phrasing your advice in terms of what they’ve said, it makes it significantly more likely they’ll actually follow through with the action steps necessary to see meaningful change.
Why?
Because at our core, we don’t really like being told what to do.
We don’t like advice.
Or rather, we do like advice, but only when it serves us.
And what sort of advice is better than the sort of advice we give ourselves?
Use this trick of psychology to your advantage and you’ll notice an uptick in the willingness and vigor with which the individuals you coach take to your advice.
Bringing It All Together
Listening is a fundamental skill of leadership. Unfortunately, the public education system does a poor job preparing us to wield this mighty skill in day-to-day life.
Lucky for you it’s not too late to learn.
To be a great coach, mentor, leader, (or decent human being), start implementing the listening sequence.
Listen first reflectively. Only once you’ve fully grasped the other person’s difficulties can you then start listening supportively to show empathy and care. Then, finally, in the third stage, you can turn your attention towards listening for possibility in which you use the person’s own words and concerns to help guide them towards beneficial change.
Give it a shot, then stop back in and let me know how it went.
